Is this real?

I go back and forth. Sometimes this feels real and sometimes it doesn't. But either way, our egg retrieval is tomorrow morning at 8:15 am! We have to get there at 6am to get everything ready. I am a little nervous about being put to sleep.. And a little nervous about the fact that a needle will be puncturing my ovaries tomorrow.. And I am nervous about wondering if it will work or not.. How many eggs will we get..how will I feel afterwards..

There are so many thoughts and questions going through my mind right now. I know that I must sty focused on God and His promises right now. Even though I have so many questions, there are some things that I know are true and will always be true:

I know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28

I know that even at times when I felt like God has forgotten about us, He said that He would NEVER forget us and that our names are written on the palms in His hands. Isaiah 49:14-16

I know that when doubt fills my mind, His comfort gives me renewed hope and cheer. Psalm 94:19

I know that The Lord always keeps His promises and that He is gracious in all that He does. He helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads. Psalm 145:13-14

I know that God wants us to cast all of our anxieties on Him because He cares for us. 1 Peter 5:7

And one of my fav passages:

O Jacob, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights? Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:27-31 NLT

There are soooo many more scriptures that give me hope but these are just a few! No matter what happens- I will still put my hope and trust in Him. Will I be upset and disappointed? Of course!! I will be very upset and disappointed and mad and sad & all of the emotions I have felt the past 5 years. But He has a plan that is much bigger than ours and I am going to just have to trust Him. It is always easier said than done though. I am just so thankful for a Godly husband who reminds me of this daily. And for our families and friends and everyone's prayers! I can definitely feel all of the prayers! We are so blessed and thankful!

Also, I have had such a great week with my mom this week and we spent so much quality time together!! Even if it was just laying in bed watching tv all day! Being in pain = forced relaxation!! I am so thankful for her and love her so so much!!


She left a few hours ago and is headed back home. Josh and Kobe will be here very soon and I cannot wait to see them! This is really happening!!

It's time!

So I went this morning for another ultrasound and blood work and I.AM.READY! Thank you Lord. My blood work still looks great and my uterine lining is 9 mm. I have 11 measurable follicles on my right ovary and 7 that are mature. My left ovary has 7 measurable follicles and 4 that are mature. We are scheduled Sunday morning at 8:15 for the retrieval and I could not be more excited to get these follicles out of me! Seriously, today has been the worst day pain wise. I still have not had much of an appetite and I have been nauseous off and on all day. Also, when I walk, it feels like someone is stabbing me in the ovaries. Especially the right side. We did get out and had Panera for lunch just because I am tired of laying in this bed.. but really when I am laying down is when I feel the best at this point. I am supposed to do my HCG Novarel shot (trigger shot) tonight at 8:15. They say it is very crucial that I do this shot exactly 36 hours before the retrieval. Dusty said I would actually feel a little better after this shot. I also will do the Lupron shot tonight but no more Follistim! Yay! I counted earlier and in the last 3 weeks, I have had 38 shots.. 40 if you count what I will be doing tonight. Ouch.

Follicles are growing!

I went back yesterday morning for another ultrasound and blood work. I was watching the ultrasound tech during the ultrasound trying to figure it out and self diagnose myself!  Ha. I could tell that there were bigger follicles for sure. Dusty called me several hours later and said that things are still looking good! My blood work was great and I now have 11 measurable follicles on my right ovary and 6 measurable follicles on my left ovary! My right ovary definitely seems to be over achiever! :) She wants me to still continue with the same amounts of Lupron and Follistim. She said that she is thinking my target date for the egg retrieval will be either Sunday or Monday! I go back again tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and blood work just to check things again. They have not said anything about me being over stimulated which is good. I know I am at risk but I would think that if I was being over stimulated, they would cut back my meds some. But what do I know?! I really need to stay off google!

Yesterday we were just relaxing in the room and the front desk called. They said they had something for us and said they would deliver it to our room. We had no clue what it would be.... I was so surprised to open the door and to see this!

Beautiful flowers from my hunny!! I love him so so much :)

I am still very crampy and tired. I get worn out pretty easy. And it seems like I have lost my appetite completely! I have not been hungry at all since yesterday but have made myself eat. This is unusual for me because I love love to eat. I think it's just because my stomach feels so bad. My ovaries feel very sore and tender. And sometimes they will just throb.  Walking does make it worse so I just walk slower and take things easy. It's not like we are in a hurry or anything here anyway! I am having a great time but it is starting to get a little hard being away from home. There is only so much laying around you can do.. Or so much tv you can watch.. So we have been trying to get out but just taking things slow. We wanted to make some spring wreaths but we went to Michael's yesterday and they didn't have what we needed. I think we may go see a movie and I definitely want to go buy a good book!

I did find out something a couple of days ago that I forgot to mention earlier. I thought I had PCOS but it is actually just PCO. I do not have the syndrome that causes weight gain, high testosterone levels, acne, etc. I just have polycistic ovaries. I did not know there was really a difference but it makes sense.

I do miss Josh and Kobe so much!! Josh is coming one day this weekend..probably Saturday.. And he may bring Kobe! I am going to find out for sure but I think our hotel is pet friendly. I would looove to have him here and he would be so happy! He loves going bye bye :)

Well, I will update more tomorrow after I hear results from my appointments in the morning! Hopefully we will know a target date for sure and will have instructions for my HCG shot! :)

St. Louis!

Well, things are finally starting to feel real! We arrived here in St. Louis Sunday late afternoon! My mom came with me because Josh was not able to take off the whole time. We love love love the hotel we are staying in. They serve a huge breakfast buffet and even serve dinner at night. They also print us directions every time we need them to.

 

 I had to have an ultrasound and blood work done very early Monday morning (in between 6:45-8:30am) and got my results that afternoon. Dusty, our IVF coordinator, called and said all of my levels are looking the way they want them to. She also said I had 20 follicles on my right ovary. Here were the sizes:

2 @ 1.1 cm

3 @ 1.0 cm

15 less than 1 cm

 

There were 17 follicles on my left ovary:

1 @ 1.0 cm

16 less than 1 cm 

 

So 37 follicles total! She told me to continue taking the same amounts of Lupron & Follistim that I have been. I go again tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and blood work. I am curious to see how they have grown the past two days. I can definitely tell the medicine is working! Ever since yesterday afternoon I have been very crampy and having lower back aches. The cramps even woke me up last night a couple of times. I am also verrry bloated and pretty tired.

 

We met today with Dr. DeRosa for a consultation. He will be doing the follicle aspiration and we just loved him!! He basically told me how it would all go when we do the retrieval. He said he would use a probe kind of like when you get an ultrasound.. except it will have a needle inside of it!! This makes me cringe just thinking about it. Luckily, I will be under IV sedation so I will not feel anything. But he will get the fluid and all of the follicles and give them to Dr. Silber. Not every follicle will contain an egg though. Then, Dr. Silber will inject the sperm into the eggs. We will then do an embryo transfer 3 days later. It sounds like SO much and I am really just trying to take one thing and one day at a time. But I did love Dr. DeRosa! He was so nice and made me feel so comfortable. He was talking about he was pro life and even quoted scripture from the bible. I left feeling so thankful that God led me here to meet these wonderful doctors!!! I know God is in control but I also feel like I am in great hands here in St. Louis.

 

My mom and I are having such a wonderful time together! This has been kind of like a vacation! We have been taking things easy & relaxing but have done some shopping and ate some good food :) We really love the location where we are staying. It is close to the hospitals but also very close to 3 malls! The past 2 days have been beautiful and almost 80 degrees! Tomorrow it is going to drop big time though and will only be 40 for the high. We are going to the doctor first thing in the morning but then plan on coming back to the room to relax and work on some crafts. I am looking forward to it and also cannot wait for Josh to get here!!!

Ready to go!

Good news! My ultrasound and bloodwork came back good and they are happy with how I am progressing. Thank you Lord! So our IVF coordinator gave us the go to start the stim shots! So Thursday night I had to do 3 injections...Lupron, Follistim, and a microdose HCG shot. I was really nervous about all of that but honestly it was not as bad as I thought it would be! I still think Lupron hurts the most. Only because my skin stings and turns red right after the injection. But it doesn't last long. Now I am just doing Lupron (smaller dose) & Follistim. The Follistim is what will make a lot of eggs! But it is also making my body ACHE. It started in my right leg. I mean, my whole leg- the thigh, knee, calf, ankle,toes- would just throb. Now it is both legs & my right arm and wrist.

My mom & I are leaving right after church tomorrow for St. Louis!!! I cannot believe it is finally here. It still does not feel real! I will be going to the doctor several days next week for more ultrasounds and blood work. They want to monitor me & check my levels so they can adjust the meds as needed. They are watching me very close because I have PCOS and a lot of follicles & they do not want to overstimulate me. Not only could it cancel the cycle- but it is very dangerous and painful. But we are just praying that does not happen.

I am also VERY excited about just getting away and spending some time with my mom! I know there will be a lot of emotions going on and I may not feel the best, but I am looking forward to just hanging out with her. We are going to relax and watch movies and work on some crafts in the room. We have also found a few consignment stores online that we want to find when we get there!

I am also looking forward to this time change tonight. I am so ready for spring and longer days! Not too much longer!



Lupron & monitoring & such

Well, not really anything new going on here...YET! Tomorrow marks 2 weeks since I have been on Lupron. Side effects? First, hot flashes and night sweats for sure!! The hot flashes can come on at any time but especially when I am blow drying my client's hair in the salon. But the night sweats...that is a different story. They happen every.single.night and I usually wake up soaking wet. It's terrible! Another side effect... sex. It hurts! Sorry if that is TMI but it can be a side effect and it definitely is with me. I have never had this problem before so I know it is the Lupron. It puts you in a menopausal state... I actually saw a commercial the other day talking to women going through menopause regarding sex. Apparently, there is a medicine that helps make it not as painful. I feel their pain! ANYWAY. Another side effect is that I have been a little emotional. Nothing too bad though. I have read where some women feel mean and irritated but luckily I have not felt that way. I have also been having some headaches, which can be a side effect..but it could also be because I have quit drinking caffeine. I loooove my coffee so this has been hard but my doctor does recommend it so that is what I am doing. I also gave up my kickboxing class I have been teaching.

I went this morning for my 1st monitoring appointment. I had an ultrasound done to check my follicles. She said I had a lot of follicles on each ovary but no dominant one. I do not know if that is normal or what that means! I also had blood work done to check my hormone levels. Our IVF coordinator will be getting in touch with me sometime today to tell me the results of everything. If it all looks good, we will be starting the stimulation shots tomorrow!! It is called Follistim. I will also take a HCG shot tomorrow. I have been very nervous about these appointments this morning. I am so worried that they are going to say something is not right or the way it should be & we will have to delay it all. I know it will be okay if that happens but I just think about my work schedule. I had to take off for 2 weeks because we will be in St. Louis for about 10 days or so. I have it all worked out now but if it gets pushed back then it will be hard to reschedule everyone again. But I also know I do not need to worry- especially about something I cannot change or do anything about.

The past few days we have had a lot of ice and snow! A lot for Tennessee anyway! It has been such a mess but also really pretty. Here are a few pictures.

And one more of my sweet boy!



PCOS and IVF

So, last week I shared about our struggle with infertility (you can read about it here)   and I am so glad I did! Several other sweet bloggers commented & shared their stories and I just want to say thank you to all of you! It really helps knowing we are not alone :) I also shared that we are doing IVF! But let me back up a little to fill you in on what we are dealing with.

The past 5 years have been so frustrating for so many reasons..but especially when you do not know why you are not getting pregnant! We spent soo much money and did so many tests and blood work and ultrasounds but never had an answer. I know this is a common thing and not just something we have dealt with. We also knew that we did not want to go back to Nashville Fertility but let me just say something really fast!! I am not saying it is a bad place with bad doctors. I have a friend from church who works there and we also have friends who are currently going there and are happy with their doctor. WE just had a terrible experience and when you mix that with something that is a very sensitive subject, it can cause bad feelings! Anyway :)

I have been reading Julee Turner's blog for several years and I also follow her on IG. One day she posted on IG about how much she loved her fertility doctor. His name is Dr. Sherman Silber at St. Luke's Hospital in St. Louis. I started doing some research on him and found out that he is one of the top fertility specialists in the country! So when we were blessed financially to be able to even consider IVF, we knew we wanted to meet with him. We set up our consult and took off to St. Louis on January 29th. It is 4 1/2 from where we live but it was actually a really fun road trip! We were exhausted by the end of the day though because we did it all in one day and got home about midnight! They do ultrasounds there that can tell you where you are on your biological clock. Let me just tell you, I was nervous. I thought it was going to say my time is up.. After the ultrasound, we went over to meet with him so he could tell us the results....

He told me I was born with a disease - PCOS. He also said that I have a crazy abnormal amount of antral follicles (which are eggs) for my body size. You would think that having a ton of eggs would be a good thing BUT it is actually causing my body & hormones to not work properly and because of that: I never ovulate! That is why I have never gotten pregnant. That is why the clomid never worked. Another crazy thing he told me.... as I get older and my eggs die off, I will have the appropriate amount for my body size so I will probably start ovulating in my 40's! And that I more than likely will not go through menopause until my 70's! I was shocked. But I am so glad that I finally know WHY now! He said IVF is our best bet so that is what we are doing. We are so glad we found Dr. Silber! We love him and his staff and trust him 100%. I think that one of the most important things is trusting your doctor!

IVF is pretty long process! We had tonnnns of paperwork and had to get medical releases and blood work to check for diseases and so on...But I think the most overwhelming thing so far has been when the cooler full of meds were delivered to my front door! This is what all this cooler consisted of:

I let Josh go through it when he got home and it made sense to him since he is an EMT, thank goodness.
 The first step was to start on birth control for 2 weeks and I actually just took my last pill last night. The birth control pills decrease the chances of creating cysts that could interfere with the cycle & it also allows the doctor to control the timing of the cycle. I was on birth control when I was younger and it used to make me so sick so I was worried.. but I never got sick or nauseous or anything!

 Then came the shots.... I had to start doing Lupron injections last Thursday. Lupron suppresses the pituitary gland so that the ovaries will not be able to make an egg or ovulate without taking gonadotropins. Josh has done them every night except for tonight. He is working so I had to do it myself and it was so hard :( It took about 10 minutes for me to get the nerve to do it. I have never liked shots but honestly they have never been a big deal either. I will get them at the doctor's office- no problem. But this is different! We have mainly been doing them in my stomach but it seems to hurt more and more each time so last night we did it in my thigh. It didn't seem to hurt quite as bad. As far as side effects go: I can tell I am more tired during the day. And more emotional FOR SURE! And probably a little more irritable. But that is about it.

I will continue just doing the Lupron for another week and then cutting back the dosage and adding a couple of different shots. Not looking forward to it but it will be SO worth it one day :)