I have sat down several times to write this post but every time I tried, I could not think of any words. That is how my mind has been these past couple of weeks. I really didn't think the 2ww would be as hard as it has been. I mean, we have had 5 years worth of 2 week waits. I could handle this one too. But boy was I wrong.
It has been 12 days since our transfer. The first 4-5 days I was home, I was literally exhausted from everything my body had just been through. Not to mention how mentally exhausted I was too. The progesterone shots have not been helping at all. They have made me sooo tired! We were warned that the progesterone would also give me pregnancy-like symptoms...so there goes me trying to guess if it worked or not! Some "symptoms" I have had....
tiredness, bloating, cramping, breast soreness, maybe a slight sensitivity to smells, some heartburn. But that is about it. Keep in mind that these are ALL side effects of the lovely progesterone shots also.
I finally started feeling close to myself again last Monday. I even went for a walk with my friend, April, and was just enjoying my time off from work. But things have started to bloom around here and so have my allergies!!! I have not taken my allergy medicine because of everything going on...and I could tell. I got so sick and was sick most of last week with allergy/sinus junk. I am still coughing today but starting to feel so much better now, thank goodness. So I have not done much this past week at all because I have just felt terrible. It has given me LOTS of time to sit and just think.. Not a good combo during this 2ww.
I also did something terrible. Something they told me NOT to do but I caved under pressure & took a pregnancy test. I knew it was a bad idea and I also knew it was way too early..... I took the test 5 days past transfer......but there was one sitting in my bathroom and I just had to. It was negative. Even though I expected it to be negative, it really did something to me. It opened up my mind to a lot of doubt & fear. It really just hit me that- oh my gosh, this really may not work. This whole process has been MUCH harder emotionally than I thought it was going to be. And the thought of it not working just made me depressed. Literally. I thought I was going crazy in my mind for most of this week. I even forgot for a few days about God's word and His promises. What is wrong with me? Okay, so I didn't actually forget but I was not putting my trust in Him. I was putting my trust in google and in my mind- which at this point was totally under attack by the devil. I am so thankful for Josh and my mom & dad and my best friend, Annie, for reminding me over and over that God is in control. Then at church this morning, the whole sermon was on PEACE and COMFORT. Thank you, Lord. He knew that was just what I needed to hear :)
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:6-9
We go tomorrow for our beta test (blood pregnancy test) and then also again on Wednesday. We have decided that no matter what the results are, we will be keeping it to ourselves for a little while...besides our parents, of course :) They have been such a huge support during this and we will want to share with them. But if it is positive, then it will still be SO early. And if it is negative, then we will need some time just to ourselves to sort things through. Thank you for all of your prayers during this time! We really appreciate it!